Out of Chaos an organizing newsletter
Division of Labor
“Surplus of food, division of labor, building of cities”: These, Mrs. Smith taught us in 6th grade history, are the foundation of civilization. Division of labor comes up a lot for me, both at home and in a work context. It’s hard to keep a house organized when it isn’t clear who is doing what.
For example, sometimes I’m with a client and I ask an innocent question like, Who sorts the mail? Or, Who pays this bill? And suddenly I realize I am deep into couples-counseling territory. Sometimes there’s a lot of resentment that comes up and a certain amount of passive-aggressive behavior, like when certain tasks or areas have just been abandoned because there is disagreement about whose responsibility they are.
When my children were small my husband used to joke, “Oh, those guys in the ’50s-they had it made.” Of course, we all know it wasn’t all Leave It To Beaver but my husband’s point was that it’s complicated nowadays, all of this new division of labor: He watches the kids while I’m at work; I watch them while he’s at work; he shops, I cook. And that’s without even talking about paper work and laundry, which tend to be the areas that come up the most when I am with clients. Then there is an entirely different question about what the children do… or are supposed to do.
So how do we divide the labor? How do we make it efficient and how do we make it stick?
There are couples and families where everyone just pitches in and it all gets done. When I say this, I mean I’ve heard of them. Like I’ve heard of alligators in the sewers. I believe it’s possible… I just have never encountered one myself.
First you have to talk about it, and for a lot of people this is a can of worms. I suggest that before any discussion about who does what, there needs to be a discussion about what exactly needs to be done. As always, I advocate breaking things down into smaller steps. The person who brings in the mail is not always the person who opens the mail. The person who sets the table is not necessarily the person who brings the water pitcher. Things don’t just happen by magic, and it is important to make sure everyone is on the same page about what is entailed in the running of your home, from paying the rent or mortgage to emptying the dishwasher.
Sometimes a tiny adjustment helps. For years, I had a rotating schedule where each of my three children had two days each week on garbage, two days on recycling and two days on setting the table. It kinda worked, but there was always a lot of resistance. Over the summer I noticed that my sister had a rotating schedule for her girls, but it was by the week. I followed her lead, and while I still get some resistance, it’s a big improvement. Like everything with children, you have to fight the urge to do it yourself, and cling to the belief that one day it will pay off and they’ll be self-sufficient adults who will host Thanksgiving dinner. I’ll bring the pie. Hell, I’ll bring two.
Grown-ups need structure too. In my home, there are designated days and people for laundry and shopping. He pays the bills, I file them. I make the grocery list, he does the shopping. He fills the humidifiers, I read the bedtime story. It doesn’t matter how mundane the task is, it is important to acknowledge that it is work and someone is doing it.
For those of you who live alone: you lucky ducks! You should still have a designated laundry day, grocery day and cleaning day. Of course, if you don’t do it you have no one to blame but yourself.