Out of Chaos an organizing newsletter

Surrender

I always joke that I am part secretary, part decorator and part marriage counselor… but that last part isn’t always so funny. Recently I was with a couple in their home office trying to get a handle on what they were trying to achieve when I had to say: “Stop… this is not really a question of where the desk goes… we are really getting into existential questions of where your careers will be going over the next ten years… and that is beyond my scope.”

Here is the thing. We can’t know the future. We can only take actions based on what we hope or expect is likely to happen. But sometimes it is clear to me that the stasis in a home is because there are two, irreconcilable, competing visions for what a space should be. I can tell them what I would do. I can suggest a compromise (that usually pleases no one) but I can’t make a room primarily an office and a guest room. I can make it an office with a bed, or a guest room with a desk… but it can’t be ‘mainly’ two things.

In another recent situation a client and her husband were struggling over re-hanging many framed prints and paintings. This collection had evolved over many years and was cherished by my client. It had recently been taken down for some minor renovations and painting and afterwards the husband was very clear that he liked the fresh new walls. He wanted less art on them. However, my client couldn’t part with all her treasures, so they were leaning in piles against the walls and clogging up the back of the closet. Something had to give and  eventually compromise was reached. My client agreed to not re-hang a few pieces, which her husband agreed to store in his storage space. Furthermore, my client agreed to leave the main rooms in a more minimal style, but the husband surrendered to one hallway and a powder room of full-on atelier style hanging. Everyone got something they wanted, but also had to live with something they weren’t crazy about. But hey, the art is off the floor and out of the back of the closet- so I’m happy!

The word ‘surrender’ comes up in my work more than you’d think. When two people have different visions, then someone is going to have to surrender, or at least compromise. Ideally, you won’t have to invest too much time or money, so that if one person’s vision doesn’t work out you can pivot… but life is full of mistakes. You might build a desk only to find that you don’t like to work in that room or buy a guest bed only to realize you never actually have overnight guests anymore. I bought a second desk when I first moved into my current apartment because my main desk was in a too trafficked an area for concentrated writing, but it turned out that I hated being in two places. I gave the desk away, and now my kids are older so it’s often very quiet in my apartment.

Surrender isn’t necessarily a sign of weakness, sometimes it is a sign of flexibility. Be willing to experiment with a different vision and be willing to change again (gracefully) if it doesn’t work out. We are all evolving all the time- and so our homes should evolve as well. I think it’s better to make a mistake than to stay stuck. My husband always tells my kids, if you aren’t making any mistakes, you aren’t trying anything new. So, try the couch where your husband wants it, let go of the clothes that no longer fit even if that feels like giving up and donate that dusty sewing machine you never use. There is power in surrendering. While letting go might feel like a loss to me it’s the biggest win of all.