Out of Chaos an organizing newsletter

Am I My Projects?

Over the years, I’ve urged people to tackle all manner of projects, from winnowing their clothes to putting together photo albums, and organizing every nook and cranny of their home. I love a project. I can take it on and conquer it, and then I feel good, like I’m efficient and in control.

But this pandemic: I am not in control. And no ginned-up project is going to fool me into thinking that I am. I’ve done the stuff that I really need to do—my taxes are filed, if not paid (we have until July!) and I’m ahead on my 2019 photo album, which I usually tackle in the summer when the kids are away. I thought up some other projects I could do, but then I’d need to buy stuff, which leads me into all kinds of quandaries. Should I spend money when I’m not working? If I order something online, someone, somewhere has to make it and ship it and someone else will have to deliver it, exposing themselves to the virus. Is it ethical for me to order stuff just so I can feel a fleeting sense of accomplishment?

So if the house is clean and no one is hungry, if I’ve tweeted and exercised, then maybe I just have to be. That’s a pretty radical idea for me. Who am I if I’m not producing? I can read. I love to read. I can play cards with my husband, which is pretty fun. I might be able to engage one of my kids in a conversation. But none of those things give me that buzz I get from accomplishment.

I know I’m not alone. I wake up and I think, I should bake something today. And then I think, why? I try to think if there’s anything I need to clean, but honestly, my hands are raw and my doorknobs and light switches have never been cleaner. So maybe, in a pandemic, the simplest, most elegant solution is simply to be. Maybe in this strange, empty time, I need to learn to do nothing. It’s not as easy as it sounds. But just for today, I don’t need to buy anything, I don’t need to create projects, I can keep it simple. I can just be.